Why You’re Already Failing (And How to Move Forward): 6 Hidden Forces Holding You Back

Failure isn’t a lack of effort. Invisible forces quietly keep even high-performers stuck. Discover the subtle psychology behind why your New Year’s goals might already be stalling. 

As the year progresses, it’s easy to feel like some of your New Year's dreams are already fading fast. Failure isn’t simply a sign we’re not trying hard enough, but the reality can be much more subtle. What keeps high performers stuck isn’t laziness or lack of skill. It’s often a few internal blocks working against you and your potential. Here are six common traps that quietly hold you back, and how to step forward anyway.

1. You have a ‘Secondary Gain’

There is a part of you that benefits from staying stuck. I first learned this psychological concept of ‘Secondary Gain’ through Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP). This is the hidden benefit you receive from staying where you are - even when you consciously want to change. It’s not laziness, but rather highlights that the current situation is serving you in some way. For example: 

• You want growth, but staying the same offers perceived safety. 

• You want visibility, but desire protection from judgment.

• You want a career change, but want to stay an expert, not start as a beginner.

See your ‘Secondary Gain’ not as a flaw but as a signal. It reveals what identity you’re protecting or even what your success could cost you - showing you the true cost of change. 

Change doesn’t begin when you want something more. It begins when you’re willing to lose what the old version of you protected.

2. You're led by ‘Limiting Decisions’ 

The idea of limiting decisions was also one of my favourite finds in NLP. It highlights that limiting beliefs are actually limiting decisions. It proposes that an event preceded you having a limiting belief. The decisions were formed at a specific, usually emotionally charged moment, and later ran automatically.  It might have arisen from a moment of:

• Rejection 

• Exposure 

• Failure 

• Loss of control

It was likely made fast, early and has been reinforced ever since as part of your mind’s natural protection mechanisms. It’s a conclusion that once made sense, and now quietly governs behaviour long after its usefulness has expired.

Instead, pay attention to your language, including avoiding: 

• Speaking in absolutes: I never/I always

• Identity statements: I am not someone who…

• Casual links: If I do x, y happens

One of my biggest takeaways from learning the concept of limiting decisions was when you catch yourself noticing one, stop and ask yourself the question: 

• When did I make that decision?

3. You’re stuck in the ‘Embarrassment Trap’

In Failing Forward, John C. Maxwell outlines ‘traps’ that make people back away from risk. A standout is the ‘Embarrassment Trap’. Deep down, no one wants to look bad. To which Maxwell has some invaluable advice: 

  “Get over it.”

4. You’re caught in the ‘Spotlight Effect’

Getting over is, of course, easier said than done, but the ‘Spotlight Effect’ sheds light on understanding how you might be holding back your efforts and why you shouldn’t hesitate to put yourself out there. 

Social psychologists describe the ‘Spotlight Effect’ as the overestimation of how much people notice, remember, or judge us. We walk around feeling like there is a spotlight above us, when in reality, most people are too absorbed in their own lives to concern themselves with ours. 

As the social psychologists Thomas Gilovich and Kenneth Savitsky found, remind yourself that you likely dramatically overestimate: 

• How much people notice your mistakes

• How much others recall your behaviour

• How harshly you’re being evaluated

5. You’re not failing fast enough 

You’ve likely heard the phrase,

“Throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks.”

The ‘Spaghetti Problem’ was designed by Peter Skillman, General Manager of Smart Things, at Microsoft. The challenge was, in eighteen minutes, to build the tallest structure possible using: 

• 20 pieces of art spaghetti

• 1 metre of tape

• 1 piece of string

• 1 marshmallow

Over five years, Skillman tested more than seven hundred people. This included engineers, managers and MBA students. They were all outperformed by one group - kindergarteners (the MBAs performed the worst). What was the kids’ secret? They just jumped in. They started trying stuff. Failing quickly and learning quickly. As Silicon Valley has popularised, they were prepared to fail fast and learn early.  Remember, even when you’re “failing”, you’re failing forward. By learning what doesn’t work, you get one step closer to what does.

6. You don’t believe you actually deserve it

From the Law of Attraction to psychology’s Self-worth and Self-Perception Theory, you act in ways that are consistent with your self-image. If something contradicts your inner identity, your nervous system will resist it. You subconsciously:

• Reject

• Avoid

• Self-sabbotage

• Undersustain 

This is your brain’s attempt to avoid cognitive dissonance or incongruence. But it is more than simply believing you don’t deserve something; it’s that your brain actively resists something that contradicts your identity.

To build our muscle in self-belief: 

• Name the limiting belief/decision.

• Identify the cost of staying small.

• Act at the edge - take small actions that stretch your identity. 

Over time, microsteps will expand the beliefs you hold about yourself. 

Failure is feedback 

Failure isn’t an endpoint; it’s information. Change doesn’t begin when you simply want something more. It begins when you get to the heart of the problem, understand the forces holding you back, and have the courage to step beyond them. The question isn’t if you’ll succeed; it’s how quickly you’ll permit yourself to try, to fail and to grow.