The Quiet Power of Asking: The Art and Science of Connection and Opportunity

Seeking help doesn’t withdraw from your social capital; it builds it. These compound into dramatic shifts in relationships and career opportunities over time.

Success isn’t all about proving your ability to excel independently. The ability to ask can quietly shape your relationships, earning potential and career opportunities. It changes how people perceive you and invest in you.

Instead of always trying to do it all, let’s talk about the power of asking: 

1. The Benjamin Franklin Effect 

As I recently discovered through Ali Abdaal’s book, Feel Good Productivity, the Benjamin Franklin Effect is one of the most counterintuitive ideas in psychology. It’s that people often become more fond of you after doing you a favour. 

We assume asking for help makes us seem annoying, needy or a burden, but as Franklin discovered, it can actually increase warmth and connection.

Franklin described having a political rival who disliked him. Instead of trying to flatter him, he asked to borrow a rare book from his library. His apparent foe was happy to oblige. Franklin returned it soon after with a thank-you note. He also noted that after this interaction, the rival appeared to be noticeably friendlier toward him.

Franklin later wrote: 

“He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another.”

That observation later became known as the Benjamin Franklin Effect.

This can relate well to cognitive dissonance theory. We like our actions and beliefs to feel consistent. Since we usually help people we like, subconsciously your brain reasons that if you helped someone, you must like them. The act of helping creates more emotional investment.

In 1969, psychologists Jon Jecker and David Landy tested this experimentally.

Participants won money in a study. Afterwards:

• Some participants were personally asked by the researcher to return the money as a favour.

• Others were not.

The results showed that participants who did the favour rated the researcher more positively afterwards.

For more science on the power of asking, learn more about the photocopy experiment which I shared in my recent blog, 3 Everyday Words to Sound More Persuasive, Credible & Charismatic at Work. 

Applying this professionally and to personal branding, consider that you don’t simply prove your value all the time; you can ask for help when you need it as well: 

• Ask for advice 

• Ask for mentorship

• Ask for feedback 

• Ask questions 

• Ask for introductions

• Ask for career progression tips

• Ask for a testimonial

• Ask for the opportunity

Don’t always assume that asking is about withdrawing social capital. Often the act of asking creates increased emotional investment. Sometimes the relationships begin because of the ask. People cannot respond to needs they never hear. 

2. The Asking Gap 

The act of asking is likely to advance your career and even your earning potential in the long run.  

As I discussed in Part 1 and Part 4 of my High-value Career Habits series, research has found men are more likely to negotiate starting salaries than women, with some studies showing men negotiated up to four times more often. This can lead to higher starting salaries and larger long-term earnings over a career due to percentage-based raises and bonuses.

Women are often less likely to ask for promotions, raises or opportunities when expectations are unclear, partly because of greater concern about negative social judgement or appearing “difficult”.

It’s worth noting that studies have found that when women do negotiate assertively, they can face more social backlash than men, including being perceived as less likeable or overly aggressive. However, bear in mind that differences created early in a career can compound over time through:

• Higher future raises

• Larger bonuses

• Stronger salary negotiation leverage

• Increased retirement/super contributions

• Faster career progression

Asking isn’t just related to salaries and career opportunities. Research also suggests women may ask fewer questions publicly in professional settings, which can reduce visibility, recognition and networking opportunities over time.

Whether you’re male or female, consider asking for the opportunity, the promotion, the raise - or at the very least, feedback for what is required to receive it. 

3. The Help-seeking Advantage 

High-performers ask more, not less. People who ask for help, advice, or input are often rated as more competent, not less. 

Organisational psychologists such as Heidi Grant Halvorson and Adam Grant conducted  multiple experiments where participants were placed in workplace simulation scenarios where:

• One person asked for advice/help

• Another did not

The ask was also framed differently as either strategic vs dependent vs “can you do this for me”. 

Observers were then asked to rate the person asking.

They found that when help-seeking was framed as instrumental or goal-oriented, e.g. “Can you show me how to do this so I can improve it?”, people were rated as:

• More motivated

• More goal-driven

• More competent overall

But when help-seeking sounded passive or dependency-based, ratings dropped. The key isn’t to ask for the sake of asking, but to ask strategically for growth. 

Asking signals competence, not weaknesses. It shows that you understand your limits enough to engage in improvement and growth. In collaborative environments, rather than reducing respect, it increases it. Asking doesn’t signal a gap in capability - it signals high performance.  

Ask, and you shall receive

Asking is not a weakness; it creates visibility, connection, and promotes high-performance behaviour.

It can build warmth and trust and increase perceived competence. Over time, it can significantly shape career outcomes. 

Asking isn’t something you do after you’ve proven yourself. It’s often part of how you become someone who is seen, supported and progressed in the first place. Good things come to those who ask for them.