The Envy Effect: The Upside of Envy & How to Turn It Into An Advantage

By learning to understand our envy, we can transform it from a source of frustration into a powerful tool for personal growth.

Envy isn't always a character flaw. Sometimes it's your subconscious revealing a life you haven't admitted you want.

We are often told, "Don't compare yourself to others." It’s good advice when comparison becomes unhealthy, but comparison also gives you valuable data. The goal doesn’t need to be to eliminate your envy altogether, but to interpret it. 

1.The Psychology of Envy 

Researchers distinguish between two types of envy:

Malicious Envy

This is the destructive version of envy.

It sounds like:

• "Why do they deserve that?"

• Wanting someone to fail

• Resentment

• Bitterness

• Tearing people down

This type of envy predicts lower wellbeing.

Benign Envy

Benign envy is a much more fascinating phenomenon.

It sounds more like: 

"If they can do it, maybe I can too."

Instead of pulling others down, it motivates self-improvement.

Research by Niels van de Ven and colleagues has shown that benign envy can increase motivation, persistence, effort and goal pursuit, whereas malicious envy tends to produce hostility and a desire to undermine others.

In several experiments, participants read scenarios about someone similar to themselves achieving something desirable. For example, receiving a promotion, earning more money, or outperforming them.

Researchers then measured:

• Emotional responses

• Motivation

• Willingness to work harder

• Attitudes toward the successful person

People experiencing benign envy reported a stronger desire to improve themselves and were more willing to invest effort to reach similar success. Those experiencing malicious envy were more likely to express resentment or a desire for the other person's advantage to diminish.

An interesting insight

One of Van de Ven's papers argued that envy evolved because it can motivate improvement.

Consider early humans and someone in your group who:

• Hunted better

• Built better shelter

• Had higher status

It was useful not only to notice the difference but also to be motivated to close the gap by learning and improving.

In that sense, envy isn't simply a "negative" emotion. It can function as a signal that someone possesses something valuable that you also desire.

P.S. If you find yourself feeling envious, also see my earlier blog, The Infinite Game: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People & Change the Rules of the Game.

2. Everything Isn’t Always as it Seems

Before we discuss the upside of envy in more detail, it’s first worth putting any envy you’re experiencing into perspective.

I shared in my earlier blog, How to Earn Real Status for Your Personal Brand: Why Titles, Salary & Surface-level Success Aren’t Enough. One of my favourite ideas around this comes from The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel. He reminds us of the difference between real and hidden wealth. And that “looking rich” doesn’t mean you are. Seeing someone dressed in designer brands, for example, merely means they made the decision to spend their money on those things. That’s all. Housel says:

“Wealth is what you don’t see…Wealth is the nice cars not purchased. The watches not worn, the clothes forgone, and the first-class upgrade declined. Wealth is financial assets that haven’t yet been converted into the stuff you see.”

If you feel overwhelmed with envy about anything, financial or otherwise, remind yourself that there is always more to the story than what you’re seeing. Before even using envy as a source of inspiration, it’s important to remember that we are often comparing our behind-the-scenes reality with someone else’s highlight reel. We rarely see the sacrifices, struggles, uncertainty or circumstances behind someone else's success.

3. The Envy Effect

There are several ways that envy is actually working to your advantage. 

1. Revealing your hidden desires

You don’t become envious of everything. You become envious of things that align with your own values.

Someone else's:

• Freedom

• Confidence

• Business

• Body

• Relationship

• Creativity

These only trigger you if part of you wants something similar. It’s your brain saying: 

"Pay attention."

2. We compare ourselves automatically

A certain level of envy is a normal part of the human experience. According to Leon Festinger's Social Comparison Theory, humans naturally evaluate themselves by comparing themselves with others.

Comparison itself isn't the problem. It's how we interpret it.

P.S. To reframe your envy, also see my earlier blog, From Doomscrolling to Dreamscrolling (Same Devices, Different Identity).

3. Envy can increase motivation

Research suggests benign envy can:

• Increase persistence

• Increase effort

• Increase goal commitment

• Encourage learning from role models

Instead of asking yourself: 

"Why them?"

Start asking:

“How did they do it?"

That single shift changes everything.

4. Your emotions carry information

Psychologists often describe emotions as signals rather than simply "good" or “bad".

Fear says:

Something feels dangerous.

Sadness says:

Something important was lost.

Envy may be saying:

You want more from your own life.

4. The Envy Response: Questions to Ask Yourself

Whenever envy starts creeping into your thoughts, instead of feeling disheartened or a sense of lack, use the opportunity for inspiration.

What exactly am I envious of?

• The money?

• Freedom?

• Confidence?

• Recognition?

• Creativity?

• Their lifestyle?

• Their courage?

• Their relationships?

• Their style?

• Their business?

• Their job?

Then ask:

“What does this reveal about me?”

“What elements can I apply and develop in my own life, in my own way?”

5. Your Envy Compass: Career Goal Signals

When it comes to comparing your career to others, this can be an exciting career development plan in the making.

Instead of saying,

"I wish I had their job."

Ask,

"What part of their job am I really attracted to?"

Maybe it's:

• Autonomy

• Influence

• Expertise 

• Craftsmanship

• Content creation

• Creativity

• Leadership

• Public speaking

Don’t automatically assume it’s their job or their business you want. Peel away the layers to reveal exactly what aspects you love most about their professional lifestyle. In the process, you’ll discover some of your next career goals. 

I, for example, am blessed to be surrounded by many talented friends with successful businesses or careers. But I can differentiate between feeling thrilled for them and whether I want their life. Even for those I admire the most, I pay attention to what parts exactly speak to my own values and goals. 

In his bestseller, Steal Like an Artist, Austin Kleon quotes basketball legend Kobe Bryant, who said: 

“There isn’t a move that’s a new move.”

Bryant’s on-court theatrics were a result of studying the tapes of his heroes. But because he wasn’t them, with their same body type, he couldn’t copy them perfectly, so he adapted. Making his moves his own.

Focus on how you can uniquely differentiate yourself in a position that those you are comparing yourself to did not. Build your unique point of difference. Envy isn't an instruction to copy someone else's life. It's an invitation to understand what resonates with you and create your own version of it.

The Upside of Envy 

Envy isn’t always about wanting someone else’s entire life. Often, it’s a clue pointing towards something within our own life that wants attention.

The next time you feel that familiar pang of envy, instead of asking, “Why them?” ask, “What is this showing me?” Use it as a compass. Let it reveal what matters to you, to inspire your next step, and guide you towards creating your own unique version of success