The Courage to Be Disliked: If Your Personal Brand Is Liked by Everyone, You’re Doing it Wrong.
Chasing likes, praise or approval keeps you performing for others instead of crafting a vision that’s uniquely yours. The best personal branding lets go of past identities, embraces discomfort and leads with self-confidence.
In all branding, the goal is not to be liked by everyone; it’s to connect with the right people.
Being liked by everyone often means you’re shaping yourself around sweeping expectations instead of forging a unique identity. Think Louis Vuitton versus Kmart. Both are either loved or alienating to some audiences. Both are trying to connect with their core community, not everyone.
When building your personal brand, the courage to be disliked is the real mark of confidence. It’s being unbothered by those you will never please anyway, embracing the discomfort and mastering self-validation. When you let go of the need to please everyone, that’s when you find your people.
1. The Courage to Change
Our brain loves to play it safe. It carefully calculates the risks. It weighs up all our past experiences. In some ways, this is like the ‘sunk cost fallacy’ in behavioural economics and cognitive psychology. This relates to our tendency to continue investing in something. Be it time, money, effort or energy, simply because we’ve already invested in it. Rather than because it’s still the best choice going forward. In reality, past investments don’t obligate future behaviour.
Do you really want to build your personal brand around who you’ve been for the past ten years? Especially if you can feel yourself outgrowing that identity? Why worry about a decade lost when you could lose several more by staying in the wrong space, or the wrong room?
In The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, the authors cleverly distil the core concepts of Adlerian psychology (based on the work of Alfred Adler). This includes not blaming your present state on past causes or people:
“…we do not think about past ‘causes’, but rather about present ‘goals’.”
The book proposes that since you aren’t defined by your past, you can choose to change:
"Whether you go on choosing the lifestyle you’ve had up till now, or you choose a new lifestyle altogether, it’s entirely up to you.”
But, change takes courage:
“Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn’t that you lack competence. You just lack courage.”
With change can come a fear of judgment. If you can’t imagine the current version of yourself trying something new, adopt an alter ego instead. This is an intentional identity that acts as your second self.
I once heard a creator describe how while they couldn’t imagine themselves ever creating something a certain way, then they thought, that’s okay, the alter ego version of me can. For a step by step guide on how to create your alter ego, see my earlier blog, Your Alter Ego Advantage: Secret Identities of Elite Performers for Moments that Matter.
2. Separate the Tasks
When faced with a fear of judgment, the authors of The Courage to Be Disliked have a compelling solution. They first propose that all problems are interpersonal problems. As they somehow relate to a relationship or thoughts about what others might think. But, if you ‘separate the tasks’ or delegate the tasks to others at all opportunities, those problems are no longer your problem:
“What another person thinks of you—if they like you or dislike you—that is that person’s task, not mine.”
When you’re building a personal brand, it’s easy to worry about what people will think. Instead consider:
If someone doesn’t like your regular posting, that’s their task.
Your task is to express your perspective clearly, not to worry about other people’s feeds or unfollows.
If someone disagrees with your opinion or key messages in your presentation, that’s their task.
Your task is to communicate with intention, not to control the interpretation.
If someone judges you for changing, that’s their task.
Your task is to evolve as your experiences, knowledge and environment changes, not stay in a fixed mindset.
If someone chooses not to engage with your content, that’s their task.
Your task is to create, not to need approvals.
If someone chooses to judge your signature style, that’s their task.
Your task is to express yourself and wear what makes you feel your best.
If someone judges your presenting skills, that’s their task.
Your task is to get into the arena, not judge from the sidelines.
This reminds me of what Andy Warhol famously said:
“Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it's good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art.”
3. Mastering Self-validation
TheCourage to Be Disliked makes a case against seeking praise, validation and people pleasing:
“Those who go so far as to boast about things out loud actually have no confidence in themselves.”
“When one seeks recognition from others, and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people’s lives.”
Here are some of my favourite ideas for self-validation in action:
Build in silence: You don’t have to announce every idea, move or project. Be intentional about what you share and what you don’t. Keep some things just for you.
Market like a magnet: Like all good branding, the goal isn’t to be liked by everyone; it’s to connect with your people. This only strengthens your community.
Post and ghost: Don’t obsessively check your engagements, celebrate showing up.
Keep a Portfolio of Proof: Store screenshots or files of your wins. Validate yourself whenever you need to.
Practise Morning Pages journalling: When you know yourself and practise emotional regulation, you don’t seek validation from others. Learn more about overcoming ‘The Censor’ in my earlier blog, Create your ultimate day (in advance): Morning Pages & mini visualisations.
Market like a Magnet
Building a personal brand isn’t about being liked by everyone. It’s about repelling the wrong people and connecting with the people who resonate with your vision. The courage to be disliked isn’t arrogance; it’s the confidence to evolve without seeking approval.
When you validate yourself from within, you stop performing for recognition and start creating from a place of purpose.
