How to talk to anyone (10 tips)
For a personal brand that can charm any room, learn the art of charisma - the relationships superpower anyone can learn.
Could your people skills benefit from a boost? Do you need more social confidence as you build your personal brand? Do you struggle to talk to strangers? Whether it’s a networking event or maybe even striking up a conversation with the next potential love of your life, a little charisma gives your relationships wings.
Charisma - it’s that elusive trait seemingly reserved for a special few. Some seem blessed with natural charisma from birth. But, what if the rest of us, charismatically challenged, could learn the communication skills of the charming?
Enter the book How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes. Originally published in 1999, even 25 years later, it’s the go-to guide for people skills you perhaps didn’t know your personal brand needed.
Do you have event season coming up professionally or personally? Or, planning for the start of a new year, school year, work year or season of your life? From body language to key phrases, learn how to work a room like only a charismatic champion could. Or, as Lowndes would call them, the “Big Winners”.
There are 92 carefully thought-through tricks in the book How to Talk to Anyone. Here are just some of my favourites to help power your personal brand’s people skills:
1. The Flooding Smile
How to Talk to Anyone starts strong, with trick #1 being all about your smile. But, it’s not the usual cliche advice. It’s smile coaching you didn’t know existed.
Lowndes says:
“Big Winners know their smile is one of their most powerful weapons, so they’ve fine-tuned it for maximum impact.”
Big Winners aren’t just flashing any ‘ole smile to anyone who looks their way. They have mastered the ‘flooding smile’.
The book highlights a study showing that women who were slower to smile in corporate life were perceived as more credible.
Fine-tuning your flooding smile means a delay of even less than a second conveys more sincerity. Instead of a pasted-on grin, the flooding smile engulfs your face like a warm wave crashing over the recipient it’s directed to.
2. Sticky Eyes
Your smile isn’t your only lethal weapon. Lowndes says:
“Your eyes are personal grenades that have the power to detonate people’s emotions.”
Big Winners go beyond the conventional advice to keep good eye contact. They understand this intimidates some. In some cultures, it’s even threatening and disrespectful. But, Big Winners know the right exaggerated eye contact can pack a punch.
‘Sticky Eyes’ stick like warm toffee. It doesn’t fall off as soon as the speaker stops speaking. It takes time to peel away.
Yale University research has confirmed the more eye contact, the more positive feelings.
A heartfelt gaze increases heartbeats. And the biological response also shoots an adrenaline-like substance through your recipient’s veins.
3. Big Baby Pivot
When a young child is begging for your attention, what do you do? You generally, give them your full attention. You turn your body to them to show you care. And yet, we don’t often give adults the same attention.
The next time you’re introduced to someone, give them the ‘big baby pivot’. A total-body turn of your undivided attention. It helps scream that you think they are very special.
4. Always Wear a Whatzit
Whether you’re working a networking event, or hoping the gorgeous guy or girl across the crowded room will come over to talk, wear a Whatzit.
What is a Whatzit, you’re wondering? It’s a visual prop - something you might wear or carry. Maybe it’s an interest purse or tie. It can be as subtle or loud as your personal brand (and the occasion) dictates. But, it is a conversation starter. It gives the people who want to talk to you an easy opening.
5. The Swivelling Spotlight
Few things are more alluring than someone who doesn’t even try to sell themselves. Who lets their accomplishments speak for themselves (or even better, let others do this talking for them).
When you meet with someone, imagine there is a spotlight above you. When you speak, the spotlight is on you. When someone else speaks, it’s on them. If you keep the spotlight on them, the person is blinded to what you have or haven’t said. The more you let them shine, the more interesting they find you. People are generally interested in people who are interested in them.
6. What do you do? - NOT
It’s the crass question the majority don’t realise is a crass question - ‘What do you do?’
By not asking the question, the Big Winners project their principles. You’re not reducing a person down to their job. You’re showing you’re enjoying someone’s company, not simply categorising them. Or worse, seeking to exploit their potential position for ruthless networking reasons.
While some already know it’s a classless question, Lowndes helps articulate why it’s also insensitive. What if someone has recently lost their job? What if they don’t feel like talking about their work? What if they know most won’t understand it? What if they are already so well off, they don’t work? What if someone is a full-time parent? The “cruel corporate question” belittles their commitment to their families.
Instead, Lowndes suggests graciously substituting the question with:
‘How do you spend most of your time?’
7. The Nutshell Resume
In reality, most people you meet will ask what you do - so, be prepared. Like your CV, have a brief verbal resume of your personal brand ready to roll off your tongue.
Go one step further and personalise your answer to your audience. For example, when speaking to a businesswoman, personalise how what you do relates to business women. Instead of a generic approach, this is like tailoring your resume to the specific job you’re applying for.
8. Never the Naked Thank You
Never let your thank you stand naked and alone. Lowndes champions to always dress your thank you up for the occasion. What are you thanking the person for? Get in the habit of following every thank you with a ‘for’ - thank you for coming.
9. Anatomically Correct Emphasisers
People experience the world through their senses. And for most, our perceptions have preferences. One sense will usually dominate our perceptions. It’s not that it’s physically stronger, but it’s our most preferred way to experience the world around us. For example, does that ‘look good’ or ‘sound good’? Or, can you ‘feel it in the air’, ‘smell it in the air’ or ‘taste it in the air’?
Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) recommends listening for the preferred senses of others, and then speaking through that sense.
10. Rubberneck the Room
When you enter a room, do you anxiously look around for someone you know? Do you make a beeline for the bar and buffet table? Most of us immediately circumvent the horror of anyone noticing we’re alone. Or, we begin our presentation the minute we hit the stage. Stars don’t do this. Stars make an unforgettable entrance.
When you arrive, stop. Slowly survey the situation. Make your own movie star moments.
Use these and Lowndes' other tricks to learn to talk to anyone. Then, practise it with everyone. As Lowndes beautifully describes it, the next person you meet may not be the future most valuable business contact, your future best friend or the future love of your life. But one day they might be. When that day does come, you’ll be prepared with the exceptional people skills of your personal brand.
