Business Book Review: Crucial Conversations by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler and Emily Gregory
Learn how to handle crucial conversations with care and navigate high-stakes situations like a skilled conversationist.
My Rating: ★★★★
Length: 304 pages
Publisher: MacGraw Hill
Released: 2021 (originally published 2002)
Key Takeaways for Personal Branding
When Crucial Conversations was first published, the authors made the bold claim that the root cause of many, if not most, human problems links back to how people behave when others disagree with them on high-stakes issues. And, if we master this crucial moment, we can dramatically improve organisational performance.
In addition to the all-too-relatable professional examples, the book also shares a plethora of references to crucial conversations in personal life too.
What is a Crucial Conversation?
When you hear the phrase ‘crucial conversation’, it’s easy to conjure up grandiose images of Presidents and Kings, when crucial conversations are actually the everyday moments.
The authors define crucial conversations as having 3 key elements:
Stakes are high
Opinions vary
Emotions run strong
So, where do you begin to navigate the crucial moments?
Start with Heart
Dialogue-skilled people are said to ‘Start with Heart’ - they begin high-risk discussions with the right motivation and stay focused on what matters most. They understand what they really want for themselves, for others and the relationship, and ask themselves how they would behave if they really wanted those things.
Skilled people avoid the trap of the 'Fool’s Choice’ which is the illusion of either/or choices and instead search for the ‘Elusive Choice’ - they set up new choices.
Learn to Look
Skilled conversationalists learn to look for when the conversation becomes crucial. They look for safety problems, understanding when the other person feels threatened. They are also self-aware of their own communication ‘Style Under Stress’.
Signs they learn to look for include:
Silence: This consists of any act to purposefully withhold information from the pool of meaning. It is usually displayed as a means of avoiding potential problems, yet it always restricts the flow of meaning. This might manifest through masking, avoiding and withdrawing.
Violence: Violence is a verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control and compel others to your point of view. It violates safety as it tries to force meaning into the pool.
Make it Safe
When engaged in crucial conversations, it’s critical to make it safe. When others display silence or violence, step outside of the conversations to make it safe. When safety is restored, decide on what conditions of safety are at risk. Create mutual purpose and mutual respect. When you violate respect, apologise. Use ‘contrasting’ to correct potential misunderstandings in purpose or intent.
Use these four skills to restore a mutual purpose:
Commit to seeking a mutual purpose.
Recognise the purpose behind a strategy.
Invest in a mutual purpose.
Brainstorm new strategies.
Master my Stories
Crucial Conversations highlights three storytelling traps we can fall into during crucial moments:
Victim stories - It’s not my fault.
Villain stories - It’s all their fault.
Helpless stories - There’s nothing I can do.
These are ‘clever stories’, when instead we need ‘useful stories’. Stories that are grounded in facts. For example, finding an unexpected hotel charge doesn’t mean your partner is having an affair. It means there is an unexpected hotel charge. This links to the book's STATE Model:
State your facts.
Tell your story.
Ask for other’s path.
Talk tentatively.
Encourage testing.
Crucial Conversations by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler and Emily Gregory: Available on Amazon.
